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Oct. 28th, 2012



Celebrate the tenth anniversary of "The Eternal Dungeon"

Cover for 'Tops and Sops'

The Eternal Dungeon, a historical fantasy series on friendship and romance in a Victorian prison, has proved to be the most popular series I've written. Its omnibus e-book received three honors in the Rainbow Awards 2011, including winning the Best Gay Fantasy category.

The Eternal Dungeon is ten years old this year. I'm in the midst of bringing out new stories in the series. If you've never read The Eternal Dungeon, then you can start here, with a couple of free stories that introduce the main characters in the series:

The Unanswered Question. No weapons, no allies, and no guarantees that he will survive the test.

The Breaking. The prisoner knew that the Eternal Dungeon was a place where suspected criminals were broken by torture, and he was prepared to hold out against any methods used against him – except the method he could not anticipate.

Sep. 4th, 2011



(no subject)

Beating of her heart made the crescent clear drop fall from the corner of her eye. Her eyes close as she lays upon this chest she barely knows. Fate it seems is not on their side. Here in this static room of disaster, she knows now she should have been stronger. She should have said more. She should have made her move faster. She should have known she was out here and waiting for her. Instead, she kept her distance and hid her feelings. What does she have for it? This moment.

Talking somewhere outside the room and she doesn't care. There is slight movement of Karry's chest and which tries to give her hope. There was once a time when she would have done anything to get this close to her beloved's breasts. Now they are lifeless mountains laying there almost telling her to focus on what is between them. Because what is pleasure now? What does the world have to offer? With whispers in her head she can hear a thousand conversations they've had. The late night moans and discussions over how their life would be. A million moments and lusts in the span of just a few weeks. Stereotypes be damned - they lived, collided, and loved. Another tear falls down on to Karry's chest. Another follows. Collapsing on her body, her heart wants to jump out of her chest. The stress and agony of this moment. These last moments.

Breaths are such interesting things. We take them for granted million of times a day. Then suddenly there is such a focus on just..one..more. And each inhale makes her cry a little louder. She knows the reality. She leans up to kiss Karry on the cheek and can't bare to look at her eyelids closed. Suddenly how we look doesn't matter. How mangled, bruised, and beaten her skin has become doesn't repulse her. She wishes Karry had one of those superhuman powers and could regenerate for her.

Inhale. She tries not to lose herself in the stitches and the jagged lines crossing her lover's face. Brain surgery never sounded so horrific. Car ride never sounded so life-shattering. If she can just hold on for another few minutes. Another few after that. Maybe open her eyes. But the machines let her breathe and she knows they pump her once living heart. They let her cocoon remain so Karry can say goodbye. Can lean down here and love on her one last time.

Inhale. "Baby, come back to me." She leans down and cannot say goodbye. She knows she's supposed to, but she can't. She won't. She needs her like a drug. She needs her like she needs food and water. And without her.... Well, she's nothing at all anymore.

And with the passing of moments, the distance gets harder to cross. Karry can no longer do her namesake for her love. Finally the inhaling stops. The world collapses. She drowns.

Aug. 25th, 2011




      Walking down the path, her stomach clenched up so tight she thought she might bend over from the pain. It had been going like this for days.  The black paved path led her through the green.  This was her path because mostly this is where she felt him through the trees.  This is where his wolf followed her through the woods.  This was their place.  Today she couldn't feel him.  Was it her?  The music meant nothing in her ears. All she could do was think.  Everything was wrong.  She felt so distant and so out of touch.  Here was where she was supposed to remember.  This was a place they shared in the distant shadows of their real selves.  The tears came as she kept walking.  Why was she crying?  Why did tears come and not him?  What is wrong with her?

      There was a tingling sensation in her back where it usually happens over her shoulder blades.  Her mind was going a million directions making her feet lost.  The woods made no sense to her today.  She kept walking hoping she'd gain her bearings somewhere along the way.  How can someone be so totally out of touch?  Her feet hit the pavement and every few minutes someone would go by and smile.  Nothing made sense like she was drowning, but there wasn't any water.  With new lyrics, she'd listen and wonder if something would come to her to make her realize what was going on.  Song after song went by of disappointment and endings.  None made sense of her situation so her feet keep going forward and the sweat remained.

      She realized she had walls.  With such fierce emotion, she had to guard herself against it.  She was now emotionally biting off her own foot.  So she had to let it go and feel.  She had to stop worrying about the now and focus on the future.  With more thoughts of him wrapped up in sheets and the moments they shared the weight lifted.  How desperately she needs him.  Her desire was clear (as it always had been) that she has to see him.  There is a bond there that cannot be broken, but can cause her pain when they're apart.  How does one live like this?  She looked to the skies and begged to be able to use them.  "Can I use them now rather than later? Please?"

      The tingling grew worse and her back ached.  She'd seen this a million times in her dreams.  This was the part where they'd pop out of her back and the black feathers would open behind her like a halo.  What does it mean they're always black?  Even as she thought about her dreams and the wings she hoped she could use, her back just tingled as if the stubs wanted to help her, but she didn't have the key.  Maybe she was fallen after all.  Damned here like a prisoner and damned to remember some, but not all.  Yet, she can't just get to him.  Frustration grew as her heels felt weighted down and ridiculous.  Mortal.  Damned to walk.

      Her time will come and she'll remember.  Maybe practice?  Maybe attempt even?  Or maybe there has to be a real reason for her wings to come out.  How could something else possibly be more important than him?  How did she ever live without him?  Whatever happens, she knows now why there are tears and how to overcome her own walls to be able to walk again with her wolf.  Like magic, a few steps up ahead she sees him running through the green and she takes off to meet him somewhere between this world and the next.

Aug. 3rd, 2011



(no subject)

I'm here in the mysticism of my mind and I can't shake you for anything in the world.  Carry me out upon the wings of dreams and empty me into the pit of your soul.  Dragging me into the hazy realms of nonchalant melancholy woes.  I'd drip my blood upon this throne just to make sure nothing ever happens again.  Still you remain.  Am I dumb to what has happened?  Is this the end of the creator and the fall of me?  Am I all that is left of some haunting reality?  Never was a word I used yesterday to mean I can't have tomorrow.  All that I deserve is here in the retina of your eye and still I spill my insides upon this blade.  Instill in me a fear so divine I cannot shake the thought when my mind wanders back to you.  Caress my hunger with barbed wire and push me as far away as you can.  Scar me.  Beat me.  Leave me for dead even though you know it isn't possible and I know I'd eat you instead.  There isn't a horror that could keep me here and your shadow left before you even entered the room.  I'm scared of the stillness.  Rampant nightmares would be better than this.  To each his or her own and nothing can ever be done about me.  But I'll be glad when you walk away and light the match.  I'll be glad when you crave the desire to end me and to make me pay for what I've done.  So many words meant nothing in the end and the silence is the horror in my head.  So go ahead and light your death stick and watch my face explode in laughter as you turn to pour gasoline over my head.

Jul. 14th, 2011



(no subject)

Collapsing into you, I remember a time I long since forgotten.  In your smile I can remember why I made it here.  Why I kept fighting.  If only for this moment.  I grab a hold and smell the images in your brain.  You almost say something, but I hush you.  I need the silence and your aura to wash over me.  Sometimes what you don't say means more....  Look how your eyes light up in the sky now.  Stay here with me.  Embrace the dream you've held so close and burst from me anew.  I'll take your scars and make them disappear.  Eat your fears and lick away your sorrow.  Play with your hair and suck the pain from your body.  Make you whole again.  Walk with me where I'm going.  Take my hand and don't look back.  Does this wind tell you where you need to go?  Can you hear the call from somewhere deep inside?  Funny how that little thing came from me and here we embrace.  I need you to hold me up when I'm unable to keep going.  And I'll always give you wings.  I'll bestow my gifts upon you, my dearest.  So you can make use of them and keep going.  Take half this heart and wear it well.  Linger in my song and I'll devour you right here.  Wanting you and needing you all the time.  My mistakes and past turn into nothing but sand in your hands.  Eternally grateful for taking me just exactly as I am.  I collapse into you and will stay right here with you until the end of time.  Worlds collide to make shadows on the tombs of our beloved.

Jul. 6th, 2011



(no subject)

How can we tell when we should fly?  When are we supposed to know when this is "it?"  When are we supposed to dream larger than we are?  When are we supposed to dive even deeper into ourselves?  When am I supposed to surrender into my love for you? 
Do I matter anyway? 
I'd reach out to touch that soft cheek and to hold onto this moment forever.  If I could grab a hold and keep you here with me I'd let them take out my soul and sell it.  Because without you who needs it anyway?  I crave your arms around me holding me so tightly.  I fear and want to keep you safe from the world that wants to tear you apart.  Spreading myself out as thin as I can I wrap myself around you.  Fangs out.  You're sacred soul I must protect.  Even if that means I won't make it.  Sometimes we have to make sacrifices.  Sometimes we have to lose so that others can gain.  So that you can go on to soar, maybe become famous, and get the life you desire.  Make me proud.  Make those scars disappear.  Light up the world as was said in your cards years ago.  This time no one is going to break any promises.  No one is going to get in your way.  Keep that beautiful song in your head going no matter what happens.  Maybe if I stay here you'll get your wings.  Maybe you'll find your smile and mate.  I caress your body.  I nuzzle your fragile spine.  I lick at your wounds.  Kiss that face I've come to love more than my own.  I wish I could heal you the way you have me.  I wish I could hold onto your aura until the end.  I wish....  My claws release the ground to let you go.  They'll come for me.  So disappear.  Run away as fast as you can.  With a tear falling down, I get up to watch you go.  Fly away, baby.


(no subject)

    With whispered memories she drowns herself in the pool of her own life.  Dying inside she grasps a hold of the only memories she has ever savored.  When did the world shatter down around her?  Caressing her skin, she bleeds into water running red.  Blood running her wild veins of a life she never understood or wanted.  Creating a new river she will never see, she will never want, or she will never be.  She dreams of death, the sickle of her soul.  The end of anxiety and sadness she felt so long ago.  Was it yesterday?  5 minutes ago?  Laying back she lets the water cover her breasts so only her knees stay mountains.  Closing her eyes, his eyes shine back at her inside her lids.  His voice so lost in her ringing ears.  She blew that gun so close...so close that her ears rang to silence so she would never have to hear that death trap of noise again.  He reached out to grab her and she fell backwards.  Anywhere to get away from those lips and those lies.  Deaf and dumb seems like eternity of bliss.  His hair falls down over his face like her shadow.  How could she have ever let him get his fangs into her heart?  How was she ever able to know that his bite was venomous?  That his kiss would end her?  Grabbing onto the smile she forgot a thousand years before her birth, she tries to imagine her mother's face.  Maybe to remember something good.  Something positive.  But only she knows she is going to ruin the only memory she has dear.  It is here she will destroy her own mother's vision because of her circumstance.  How did she wind up so alone?  Why does the water call her back to the womb?  Why does her womb have to be death?  Why does the wind leave her suffocating on fragments of lives she should have been living?  "You broke all your promises.  You turned away and left me cutting my heart out of paper.  Hanging it up on the fucking wall I wanted to tear your eyes out.  Does it even make sense to hang it for all to see?  You sick son-of-a-bitch.  One day you'll get what you deserve.  One day I'll come back to haunt you.  One day I'll learn how to live again."
    Her eyes fall below the line of red water still bubbling from below.  She smiles and feels the inescapable destiny filling her body before she knows the hell that will rip through her soul.  The gurgling water tears at her insides.  But the pain is so far away.  She needs to let go of the hate and anger.  Here she takes control.  Here she is able to say what she wants to yell.  Here she carries her heart away to where she can be free.  In the moments between time she can rise with wings and be free of her history.  Air bubbles tickle her nose.  Tearing into a world that turned its back on one of the lost angels, she searches for bits of light.  Somewhere from the shadows a hand reaches out.  She can't quite reach it before she trips again.  "Damn you!" she yells out at no one.  The street is white with snow and empty of everything including her voice.  Echoes of darkness yank at her heartstrings and she reels at the ice forming.  Rush of water into her mouth.  She dares herself into the arms of another.  Crawling up to get warm.  Hoping somewhere out there her mind can rest.  Her body shakes more violently and the water pushes at her body..willing her to get up and out.  To get her out of the crypt in her head.  Pills lay out on the floor.  The bottle has finally stopped rolling back and forth and found its final resting place.  She can hear him again.  Painful in her head.  What does it take to get the demon out?  I wish I had never said hello.  I wish I had just walked away.  I wish this body wasn't destroyed.  I wish I hadn't been raped over and over again.  "You fucking lie."  Her body calms down.  Across the street she can see eyes looking over a grave.  Is it hers?  "This is my choice.  My final fucking stance.  Come and get me."  The world gets darker and she starts to lay down in the snow.  There's nothing left to feel.  Utter silence.  Then music starts somewhere off in the distance.  She smiles.
    Her body slips under the water and her eyes open.

Jun. 20th, 2011




Tear drips down my cheek as you walk.  Walk away from where we used to be.  Where we were me.  Crow's wings and black eyeliner call me back to a street corner. 
Lost to the world.  She walks down the street alone.  She smokes because she doesn't want to see tomorrow.  Listens to music to open her wounds.  The black eyeliner surrounds her vision.  Singing out into the night.  Candles in her pocket.  Fire in her chest.  A pen and paper are the only thing she can muster the courage to love.  Shadows casting her image so dark on the pavement behind her.  It elongates as if it wants to hold onto her because she's disappearing.  Maybe she is.  Maybe his words so long ago meant something.  Maybe he was the reason she is still alive.  Is there a reason?  Laying down on the cold swing in this playground at night reminds her that everything has a double meaning.  Her trench-coat sways under her with the wind and her head drops down to stare off into a world she can never seem to touch.  She lets the music take her elsewhere as her mind numbs to words.  Deep within her they grow and start to dance on the tip of her tongue.  She lights a cigarette and drops to the ground.  Flicks the zippo to a soft glow and lights the small candle.  Will the neighborhood see?  Does she care?  Draws herself down on the ground sucking on her poison and releasing her soul onto paper.  The words flow out of her as if she is a catalyst where someone else can release their passion.  She watches her pen fight to keep up with the notions coming forth.  Draining her.  A tear falls because this night it is about her past.  And as much as she'd like to box it up and carry it away it causes her to remember what she needs to hold on to.  So she can continue to write and be here..in some way.  This pain and her history are who she is.  Laying down on her back more words come and she scrambles to turn over and write them down.  The candle flickers hope around her and she is too blind to see.  She watches the small light mesmerized by it's path and it's dance.  Getting lost somewhere else can be such relief, but she has to come back.  She has to draw herself in so she can create.  The only decent thing about her anymore.  Or so her saying goes.
Her mascara runs and she stares up into space with the paper on her heart.  She'd carve herself into a thousand pieces to feel better, but can't because she'd lose everything.  She's trapped in her own spider's web.  Here she's safe.  At night, parks like this give her the voice and sanctuary she needs.  There are no graveyards close enough.  How much she wants to visit him where he lays to rest.  But she needs a car and the keepers have chased her away at night too many times. 
Lighting another cigarette she lays on her tummy and writes some more.  Poems mostly.  Pieces of pain really.  Pieces of her being.  Pieces of her frailty.  Maybe one day they'll be worth something.  Maybe to someone.  She has enough already for 3 volumes of work and it just keeps coming.  This is her muse. 
Black nail polish and white hands.  She blows out the candle and gets up to make her way back.  She'll get on the roof tonight, light the candle, and write into the eve.  But for now she'll move on as always.  Constantly roaming.  And somewhere she'll find her peace.  Even if it lays in a tomb.  Walking out of the park, her shadow shortens.  Metaphor.
I want to be able to hold her now and tell her it will be OK - I made it to the other side.

May. 19th, 2011

smilin joe bloody


Five by Five

Death as an empty shell
Ashes eventually blow away
Life as a hole
Death as the filler
What is the middle

It is not circular
The logic we abide by
But simply lines
Waiting to be walked
Spiraling like the galaxy

There are wonders to be dreamt
When notions are fleeting
Was it darkness tugging
Or something fulfilling
What changed the perception

Death is never the end
Is it the complete
How we are remembered
Do we really fall away
So what is forgotten

Life has meaning
Everything you do
Nothing escapes us
Start, middle...wait
Does the middle end?

Dec. 23rd, 2010


State of the mind

Ive never felt such a will to live
Happiness is just a state of the mind
Self respect and esteem combined
accept yourself for once in your life
Live a little and remove the knife
You don't need him to tell you to smile
Sense he left you been smiling all the while
I feel like I've been suffocating for years
And the man with the pillow is all of my fears
Keep swimming to the surface cause you've been under too long
why the fuck are you drowning, you know you're too strong
You could never be more beautiful to me
and understand that love is free

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